47/365 – Number 7 ; 8:15 PM

I don’t like coffee.

I don’t like how it makes my heart beat faster like it would leap out of my chest.

I don’t like how it makes me feel unbalanced, adrenaline envelopes all over me.

I don’t like how it keeps me up – mind and body contradicts and this is its effect.

You are just like that, you see.

But I love you. 

I won’t mind as long as it’s you.

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46/365 – Most Beautiful Lyrics of Worship Songs

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Hillsong United – Even When It Hurts

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Hillsong United – Even When It Hurts

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Hillsong United – Touch The Sky

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Hillsong United – Say the Word

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Hillsong Worship – Broken Vessels

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Hillsong Worship – Broken Vessels

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Hillsong United – Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

21/365 – Number 6; 10:47pm

I could tell you a lot of reasons. 

I could show you all the things you made me feel. 

Like when we were under the lights 

And you told me “I wanna make you mine” 

You stared, looked into my eyes

As you wait for words to come out of my mouth

Oh, how you look so fine, how can I not say

Forever with you seems right”, then you smiled. 

Words may fail, break my trust

But your love will always reign in me 

World may judge, they’ll say everything. 

I love you anyway, hear me say always

You and me against all the odds. 

My love, my last love. 

I’d always wonder out of all the things I did 

What did I accidentally do

For God to give you in my life 

As my last love. 

11/365 – Writing is…

Writing is expressing yourself with your words, by your words, and through your words. It is putting an word-per-word illustration of your whole existence into a vast collection of combined forms of speech. Actually, it’s more than just expressing yourself.

It’s like stripping naked at a club party and letting everyone see your wounds & scars which you knew they’d dare to touch to know how deep it can hurt you. As they critique what they see as they laid their eyes on the feast you prepared for them, you slowly sink into their minds – destroying and altering what was once known to what is now.

It is like getting lost at the happiest place on Earth and wouldn’t even care if you find the way back or not because getting lost there forever would be an ecstatic dream; a mega-dose of your own fairy tale in your own perfectly described wonderland. You’re like a lost child who wouldn’t even care what’s going to happen a little later because you’re holding onto your white balloon which can take you anywhere you wish to go.

It is like feeling the hype of getting to the top of the mountain after a long exhausting climb and you see the vastness of the land and all your feelings suddenly sunk into the open air. It is like keeping on falling and falling in love with every beautiful word your mind produces and your mouth speaks – not even aware of the senses it made you and your listeners feel.

Writing is you in words. Beautiful. Ethereal. Everlasting.

10/365 – To All the Boys Out There

Don’t love her because she’s pretty. Love her because you see her pure and kind heart which gives love to everything and everyone unrelentlessly. 

Don’t love her because she has a beautiful smile. Love her because she makes you laugh with every word she speaks. Love her because she makes your world a happy place. 

Don’t love her because she has the perfect body. Love her because she always put everyone first before herself. Love her because she takes care of you with all of her strength just to make sure you’re always fine. 

Don’t love her because everyone fancies her and you’re the one she chooses. Love her because she lets you in her life to be with her in every passing moment. Love her because she trusts that you will take care of her heart and never do what the others did. 

Don’t love her because she loves and gives you everything she ever is. Love her because she deserves to be loved more than she loves you. 

9/365 – Number 5 / 1:37am 

God knows I’m trying

To forget everything about you.

God knows I’m struggling 

To mend the damages when you torn my heart into two. 

God knows I’m willing 

To do whatever it takes to erase every memory of you. 

God knows I’m wanting 

To get rid of the whys and the hows 

That still lingers on my mind and now I’m wondering 

How well it would be If I’m able to. 

3/365 – To the One Who Broke My Heart Last Year 

I loved you genuinely since the day we were together. I did everything for you and in the name of our love. I put down almost everything in my life just to give way for our love. I even disregarded and changed my dreams so as it would best suit our situation. I did everything to deserve your love and this is where I made myself undeserving of my own love. Maybe this is where you also learned to love me less. 

I made everything easy for you. I made loving me as easy as making your morning coffee. You didn’t have to come to me because I was the one who came to you. You didn’t have to give me gifts because I have given you the corniest of them. You didn’t have to exert any effort because I have given you everything even before you asked for it. I didn’t give you any reason to not love me but maybe I this is where you found some reasons to love me less.

I made my world revolve around the thought of a lifetime with you – I made my plans and dreams according to your plans for youself hoping that I would fit in even just on the tiny bits of it. But I failed everytime I tried. I made the world fall in love with my illusion of your love – I hid the oh-nos and imperfections because I wanted everyone to love you as much as I have loved you. Maybe this is where you found another reason to love me less. 

I knew there was something else you wanted even if I have given you everything I am. I knew you wanted something I cannot give and you found it with someone else. I knew that behind your I love yous and I miss yous were hidden signs of I don’t want to be with you anymore. I knew we were falling apart and yet I was there still picking up the pieces and putting them altogether just to fall even shattered than ever. I chose to fight even though I’m bleeding; to love even when my heart was going away with every beat. Maybe this is where you finally to chose to unlove me. 

This is where I draw the line. You didn’t deserve me since day 1 and even on the days when you tried to because I knew I loved you more the whole time. Thank you for the memories and the lessons which came with it. But this is the end of us and the start of a new me. You were a huge part of my last year but you will never be a part of this year and all of the years to come. I’m giving you up and I’m forgetting everything about you. You did love me less when I loved you more and this is what I will do with all of my regained pieces altogether – unloving you and loving myself more. You are my biggest and most painful heartbreak of all time and it won’t be easy for me to do all these things but watch me do it and you’ll know it was a mistake for loving me less every time. 

With hopes & promises, 

Elli