First Love, First Lesson : Don’t Lose Yourself

The first time I fell in love, I mean really fell in love – not just puppy love or childhood sweetheart kind of thing – oh god it was awesome. It was euphoric. It was the kind of love story I would never thought existed.

It happened in 8th grade. Everyone knew everyone. You know there’s a new student when everyone talks about the same person all the time; everybody got the eyes on that new bait. There they were – two new boys for the ladies. They were brothers but they were both placed in the 9th grade. No, there are not twins. Yep, one of them was my first love. Let’s just call him A.

A is a Fil-Arab and from that information alone, you’d guess he’s a hottie. Yes, he is. He’s got the perfect features – the big tantalizing eyes of an Arab: the fiery dark-brown pupil, the naturally-curled eyelashes, and those perfectly shaped eyebrows. They always got this look saying: “Come on, you know you want to look at me.” Everyone did. They were the talk of the town for quite some time.


I knew they existed but they did not interest me in any way. I guess I was just not into that kind of thing. I was kind of gorgeous boy-hating because they would just bring serious heartache to anyone – they got to choose anyone anytime. Who wants that?

As uninterested as I was with A, he on the other hand noticed me. He’d always do small things for me to notice him but I never looked at him. He always walked in front of me hoping I would look up but I never did. For quite some time, he was looking for a way to get to me. He made one of his classmates come up and ask for my number but he did not text me after three days. I guess he was going with the “I want you so much but you have to have no idea how much” technique.

I bet you know Twilight Saga, right? Don’t hate. I hate the characters in the story – I hate how corny and unreal they are – but the love side is what’s keeping me very much into it. Edward Cullen would do literally anything to keep Bella alive. Bella’s heart will always belong to Edward. There was nothing that can separate them.


It was like that. It was nostalgic. It was too good for me. I felt like I had everything in the world. He gave me everything he ever had and I gave him mine. Everyone was envious of our love story. Everyone thought how perfect it was and why it wasn’t happening to them. It went on like that for months.

But I was blinded by the perfection of it that I didn’t see me losing my own self.

He redeemed himself by consuming whatever was left of me. I was living with the little love he gave me because he left me empty. That that perfection everyone saw hid the destruction he was doing to me.

Yes, it took the destruction of me to know that loving him made me lose myself in the process.

It was really painful when it ended. I cried for weeks and it took a lot of tough love from my best friend to regain myself. For the record, he was the one who broke up with me. His break up speech was him being a drug to me, that me being with him forbade me to be happy. True enough he was, but I was too stupid to want him back. We didn’t get back together and we don’t talk much to this day but we had closure.

Everyone longs for the perfect first relationship; the first and last. If I had the wisdom back then, I would’ve not chosen A. I would have chosen different or I might have just waited for someone else to come along. But I’m still grateful for my choices because I wouldn’t have gained the wisdom I have now if not from what I’ve experienced from him.

Who was your first love?

What was it like?

What was your first lesson in love?

I’d love to know! 🙂

PS. Twilight Saga references because we both liked Twilight Saga and he really looks like Edward Cullen except more Arab-y. 😉 



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